Well, it’s not for my lack of trying that I’ve not posted all that I had planned – I can now say it’s definitely my Wi-Fi, Internet and ill working cell phone all in one! Now remember, this Blackberry phone is only a few weeks old (not my choice or first pick) so for it to be turning on/off every 10 minutes, losing all connection ability is becoming a thorn in my side. My laptop which is almost on it’s last leg, it’s now running slower than ever, freezing and taking 7 hours to upload anything only to give me that dreaded “Error” action code at the end. GRRRRR!!!!
Today is January 7th and a day I will never forget. Today is the day my son was killed in his car on an icy road around 4:00 in the afternoon. The day is hard enough to get through but then to look outside and see this same type of weather that was on the ground 9 years ago, makes it settle a bit harder. I remember that day so well as I was taking all my Christmas decorations and trees down – giving my house an after-the-holiday’s cleaning and remember sitting down in the chair thinking “Oh, I did good!” Little did I know. I remember my home phone ringing but because I didn’t recognize the number, I chose not to pick it up; then it called again reading “Alton Memorial Hospital” and I thought, “I don’t know anyone there…it must be my brother Bob calling from another hospital and they want me to come up there and I just can’t do it today!” Ha! Joke was on me now wasn’t it. Bob was a hypochondriac and was at that time living in that town and this was so his pattern and I knew the weather was bad, etc. and just didn’t want to deal with him. I then went with my son Taylor to Walgreens to get a few last minute things I thought I needed and it was there that I received the phone call from my ex-husband that Trey had been in a car accident and he and he wife would pick us up to go to “Alton Memorial Hospital” where they had taken him. I grabbed Taylor and ran out the door, called my daughter home and we waited for their dad. The weather was getting worse, ice, snow and cold, cold, cold!
I sat in the back seat of his truck smack dab in the middle of my other 2 children, holding their hands and praying the entire way. Praying like I had never done before because I knew “My God” would never allow this to happen to “ME”! I was special to Him – I was good – I believed in Him and always did what I thought He wanted so there was no way He was going to allow my son to be even critically hurt in this accident…NOT MY SON! It took almost an hour longer to get their because of the weather as this town was already a good 30-40 minutes from us. What was Trey even doing in that town? When we walked into the Emergency Doors to a care center I was not familiar with, I remember walking immediately over to the waiting room chairs to sit down. I grabbed the hands of my children, looked up at my ex-husband and said, “You have to go in there before me to see what he looks like. I cannot walk in there and see him hurt, I can’t take it and you guys know that. You have to come back and tell me if he has any wires, machines or whatever it may be, hooked to him or if there is any damage to his beautiful face, body, anything! I have to be prepared – I cannot walk in their blind-sided!” They understood well because everyone knew that when my kids got hurt, I FREAKED OUT! So, in they walked and I remember those 2 large brown doors that I just could not go through until I knew, my heart could not take it. I sat their crying, rocking back and forth just praying to God that Trey would have no long-term disability or scars until finally, I couldn’t stand it and I stood up and walked through those big brown doors myself. As soon as I was through them and walking down that hospital hallway, I saw my daughter and son walking towards me with faces full of uncontrollable tears. They looked at me in that moment of their own heartbreak and said, “Mom, Trey’s dead – he died Mom and he is not even here…Mom, Trey’s dead Mom, Trey’s dead!” I remember it as if it were yesterday.
This could not be right – not my son, not my beautiful boy, not my Trey. He was my most “Special” child…not that I loved him any more than I did my other two, he was just my most special child. He had that “IT” factor, always had it since the day he was born. I just reeled back and forth, then my knees buckled and down I went. We were in this little “grieving” area room and when I finally could understand what they were telling me, that it was really real, they told me the story. I remember turning my head and looking into this other young boy’s face who I had never seen before and saying, “Why are you sitting here with not a scratch on you and my beautiful baby boy is dead?” It just came out – I couldn’t stop it, I didn’t try. My mind was full only of the word “WHY” and that is all I could ask anyone…why? But you know, regardless of how many times I went around to all those people standing in that room, on my knees begging each one to tell me why and to bring my son back to me, I knew why, I did. I knew the minute they told me Trey was dead, why God had allowed all this to happen, I knew it, I truly did. My son was not even at the hospital as he died instantly on the scene and had been taken to the morgue and you can only imagine my reaction when this news finally registered in my fog-clouded brain! I went nuts – flew into a rage, screaming at the hospital staff for their so-called “Procedures” and taking my baby to that cold hard place instead of here where they made us come. I WANTED MY SON and that is all that I could say, I just wanted to hold my beautiful baby boy.
I remember the drive home, no one could say a word and all you could hear was heartbreak. I mean you could actually hear our hearts breaking into a zillion pieces but I could feel mine, actually feel the cracks form while they were breaking each piece. I thought I was going to die…I wanted to die. We drove down the same highway we took to get there only this time, we knew what had happened and where it had happened and now, we had to drive by the spot my son took his last breath. As we passed this spot, I stared so hard wondering if God had taken him before he felt any pain. That is when I lost my mind in the minds of my family because in that exact moment, I knew I could never again walk another step without Jesus next to me. That is when I knew I had no power over anything and it was then I knew I had to get my “Hedge-of-Protection” back to the point I thought it had been. It was too at this point that calls were made by my family members to my doctor, who lived down the street, and told him to order medication so they could have it ready for me when I arrived home. Home, now there was a place I was not ready for as everyone in the world seemed to be there…everyone but the one who belonged there. They helped me inside and placed me on my huge couch that I felt so tiny sitting in because I realized I was small and no matter how big I felt at times, I was just this little woman out of billions who was completely powerless in this life. Next, I remember looking around and seeing all the people standing, sitting, walking, talking, eating and crying inside my home – no one would leave – no one wanted to leave especially Trey’s friends. They were so broken these friends who loved him so much…they too thought they were going to die because their best-friend who was larger-than-life was gone in a blink-of-an-eye. No one saw this coming but I should have. Little did I know that the tears that I released that day would continue a constant flow for 24 months straight without a break in between…they never stopped because I never stopped. People were trying to talk to me that night and all the days following but all I wanted to do was play my “Trey Movie” in my mind. The reel of Trey’s life from birth till death over and over and over. They had no idea they were disrupting me and my playback and all I wanted them to do was to LEAVE ME ALONE! I had a movie to watch!
The days passed just as expected with funeral arrangements being made and now I had to go and pick out a casket for my baby boy who was only 16 years old, really? Then, off to the florist to see all the beautiful floral’s available in whatever color I so desired. What color would Trey want? What flower did he like? Then, back in the car to make the appointment at the funeral home which was the largest in our area – very well known and of course the only place I would have it. This was my favorite place of the day because there, in the basement, was Trey. I was finally going to get to see my baby and see him I did. He was so beautiful, his hair, his face had not a mark on it, not a scratch and neither did his body. Only a quarter size bruise on his knee from hitting the steering wheel, how about that? He had a sheet covering his body but his face open free as was his feet and I kissed every inch of that unforgettable face over and over until they pulled me away. Then I remember walking down and holding his feet – he even had beautiful feet and I kissed them too. I was so happy in that moment, I was so happy because he was there and I could touch him, hug him, kiss him and still run my fingers through that curly black hair. I remember thinking, “Oh my poor baby, you still have your braces on!” He was due to get them off within the next weeks or so…I don’t remember if I cancelled his appointment or not.
This was the day that changed my life forever. This was the day that I stopped asking “Why”. This is the day that I started my run – my run after the Heart of God. I did not need to know why Trey died but how this was ALLOWED to happen. There was no one to blame, no one to hold accountable and even if their was, it was never going to bring Trey back to me so why continue down this road of thinking as it would do more damage than good. I knew that God Himself had lost His Son in the most horrific way and God loved us, His Creation, His Children more than we could ever possibly imagine. He would never put us through that pain, that pain He too knows so well, if it wasn’t for the great picture of things and His Final Purpose…I knew this! Of course knowing this still did not keep me from experiencing the worst thing anyone could experience or feel – didn’t keep me from crying every single day for 2 years straight, then crying every other day for the 2 years after that, no, but I knew to turn to Him for healing as He was the only one that could do that and place peace within my cracked, fragile broken heart. I had to take the good with the bad and if I was going to trust my Lord and Savior, I had to understand fully what He was saving me from…and so the journey began.
God didn’t allow this because He hated me…He did this because He loved me. I love you Trey…I will see you soon!